Self Worth

“How do I contribute?” People say it like it’s humble. It isn’t.

Often it hides a harsher belief: If I can’t prove my usefulness, I don’t deserve to exist. When proof fails, the sentence becomes a sentence - self-criticism makes sure life stays wretched. This can cover deeper pain and old beliefs about the self, but it also keeps the abuse going.

I argue that having to justify your being is the basic algorithm of abuse.

Let’s flip it. You are worthy before performance. Unconditionally lovable. When that’s felt, you can care for yourself, protect yourself, and grow through challenge. Some people internalize this because they were steadily cared for - even through hardship. It doesn’t take much to disrupt it: an anxious or emotionally clumsy parent can mute a child’s sense of inherent worth.

There’s a simple counter-algorithm. Not easy, but simple:

Ask, “What do I need?” Meeting your needs - rather than earning love - unwinds the loop of self-criticism.

Example

You’re suffering at work. Exhausted from trying to satisfy everyone, yet they’re always critical. Your perfectionism hooks into their politics. You hope that if you deliver, you’ll earn a vacation or a raise - but the reward is more senseless tasks. Appeasement is losing.

No, this isn’t just you. It’s common among smart, sensitive, motivated, caring, ambitious people who get tangled in unclear roles and unspoken expectations.

Try the care algorithm. Name what would actually help you refuel and do your best work - time off, a raise, fewer projects, clearer scope, more autonomy, hybrid days, recognition, time with peers. Ask for it. You might not get the exact thing, but asking draws a boundary and invites alternatives. It also reminds everyone - including you - that you’re human: finite, with values, limits, and real ways to thrive.

Real people need things.

Ambitious, trying to deliver, but failing. Ask for what you need.